entry 001 - 20,000 leagues under the sea…
i’m on the brink of homelessness, and it is terrifying, because it has been something i first began to fear when I was in college at SVA back in the earlier 2010’s. I’d see people on the street, covered in filth, disgruntled with shame painted on their face, and I’d think to myself, “that could be me.”
myself in 2011
Maybe that day is finally arriving for me, and it really breaks my heart completely. I am so shattered by this; I have been trying for so long to get myself to a better place. After losing mom, things for me went completely south; my 7 year relationship ended, I also ended two ten year friendships; I went fucking manic. I almost had my leg amputated after a bad skating injury, I fought with EVERYONE, I was in the proverbial shitter. It seems like I am still stewing in it though; even after my long bout of insomnia, an on and off 3 month stint in the funny farm, as well as relocating to Utah and watching yet another friendship die, I can’t seem to shake the bad. And with a looming case in Utah that might cost me my freedom, as well as continuing to fail to book a legitimate show or gain any sort of traction with my music, I feel defeated. I was fired in April from my dispatcher job for a plumbing sub-contractor for Columbia; my boss was an abusive cunt that I snapped back on, and as a result, I was told to, “get the fuck out”. I thought I found love this year, too; I was speaking with an old high school crush, only to find out that she was engaged to some 50 year old dude that works as a greeter at Walmart. They share a 3 year old daughter; her name is Grace. Fitting?
a still life i took after having my heart broken in february of 2025
I’ve been trying so hard to make sense and make due of myself in this world, and I seem to keep failing over and over again, and it is so exhausting. I’ve only been myself, accountable of such; I try to take responsibility for any of my misdoings and correct them. I never want to be an asshole to someone, but there are times, often albeit, that I feel like I am treated like shit, and in return, I snap back at that. I snapped at a lot of people I actually admire, and I feel shame about that. I feel shame about my situation with Lauren Hope Krass and Kambri Crews, I feel shame with my situation with the Astoria Music Collective, I feel shame with my situation with Absolute Plumbing, I feel shame that my father hates me and sees no good in me; I feel so much shame and guilt for who I am. And I wonder, why do I continue to do this? Why do I continue to try to exist in a world that simply has said, and repeatedly, “we don’t want you.”
a still life from a series titled, “hope was lost in astoria”.
I don’t know where I am headed next at this point, other than on the street I suppose.
self portrait after Irving Penn, 2025
